Warning: Deep thought diary entry #5098
Most people say “You haven’t got a life if you go to the gym 7 days a week.”
And this is more than likely true. I’ve never been able to keep a group of friends that I can hang out with every weekend or plan a day trip/event. (And its not their fault and it’s not my fault…it is what it is.) And with the lack of emotional/social support…I’ve replaced it with gym. It all comes down to being “lonely”.
Every day…there’s this little old lady that comes into work. We greet her every time she walks in…but she replies with a soft voice “hello” but nothing more. She doesn’t interact and she hardly smiles. She has a look around, does the rounds, and leaves the store. Doesn’t buy anything. Just browses.
My heart feels for her.
Is she alone? Does anyone care for her? She never has anyone with her, so we assume she’s alone, no one to really to give her the attention she needs to feel appreciated and loved.
We sometimes say that this is what’s keeping her alive. Just doing the rounds of life. Eating, sleeping, shopping…surviving. Just another day of life. And its sad..but she might just be waiting for that day where her body fails her and she can’t go on anymore.
And sometimes, I look at her…and I see me. I see this person, who gets on with life and does things because its the only thing that’s keeping me alive. People come and go in our lives. They are not a sure thing. And its only the mandatory things in life that’s keeping me alive.
Really…if I didn’t find a passion in gym…I wouldn’t be who I am today…I wouldn’t even be.
Most people say I don’t have a life. But I do. This is my lifestyle at the moment.
Right now, the gym is the only thing I look forward to. It’s what’s keeping me alive.
Eventually I will find my significant other and my life will revolve around them and/or I will gain new friends in the future who will appreciate all of me, even with my flaws and quirks. I will then cut my gym down to 4-5 days a week instead of 7 days, and most of my time will be spent enjoying it with the company of the people who love me and help me grow in my career and in my dreams, just as I will help build them up in their passions and goals.
This isn’t a post to feel pity on me…no no. I am thankful of life and its beauties! I thank God for giving me the chance to experience this experience! I thank God for all the people I have become friends with in my lifetime. God has it all under His control, and even though I don’t see the complete picture…He is one step ahead of me, making the path for me to be a growing and learning process. Growing is never easy. There are always growing pains. =]
This is just what I’m going through in my life. And I know I’m not the only person going through this. Everyone has their own battles to fight. This is mine. =]
I was at work when I heard the tragedy…
Twice, every hour, the host of the radio would announce the devestation of what the grasp of depression eventually does to those who feel hopelessly lost and lonely…
I went to the gym, it was on most of our lips (if not on our lips, it was on our minds)…
I came home to have my Facebook newsfeed R.I.P.-ing to a phenomenal man…
…But seeing this tweet brought me to tears…
And so went on the beautiful things said about Robin Williams’ personality, he’s accomplishments and achievements. And unanswered questions, float in the air, of how such a big gold heart could end his life so suddenly and without warning.
…And then there are the people who show no remorse, but anger, for not understanding of why the ones who commit suicide “selfishly leave their friends and family who have to deal with the aftermath of the situation”.
I’m deeply saddened and hurt that the ones that think it’s “selfish”…are probably selfish themselves. (But not all!)
They are so self-centred of their own lives that they miss the signs of those close to them who are suffering depression. They are so busy making their life work that they don’t help out those who need help. Or they give up on someone who is only doing it for “attention” and don’t want to waste their time anymore because they’ve already “tried” helping them. Don’t become one of these people. (Admittedly, I do these things sometimes too.)
But we need to look out for one another. We’re all in this world together. We all want to make the most of it. So why not help out those who are slipping a little, or just need a bit of a positive/uplifting push to make the most of their lives.
Most people think those affected by depression can just be “snapped out” of it. Unforntunately…you can’t. And until you’ve gone through it and experienced it…you won’t be able to comprehend it completely and know that it’s not something that can be switched on and off. It accumulates over time. There may be days that you think it’s gone, and you’re on cloud nine…but it’s there, lurking in the background…sometimes like a shadow following you around.
You feel hopeless, lost…lonely. No one understands. You try to talk about it, but people brush it off…they change the subject so the atmosphere isn’t gloomy. But they don’t realize that you wish to talk freely and get it off your chest. You don’t seek for advice…but just wish you were heard.
As a result, you withhold your feelings…preventing them from ever being seen on the outside. You lie by saying “I’m just tired,” when someone asks “Are you alright?” because you feel they don’t really care.
Look for signs such as: Withdrawal from social outings/events. Withdrawal from usual activities. Always tired/sleeping excessively. Excessive focus on one hobby/job etc. (i.e. their complete life is focused around one thing they are interested in..such as books, video games, fitness, movies, wood work, arts and crafts, cars etc. OR even their relationship with their partner)
And one BIG SIGN that most people overlook…That the person suffering from depression is always on a high and making the atmosphere fun and light.
Over and over I’m hearing that Robin Williams was funny and seemed completely fine and happy in his interviews. But most of the time (but not in all cases) it’s to avoid the serious questions. The pride in them doesn’t want others to know their “weaknesses” and that they are ashamed of what they are going through. This doesn’t mean that they are lying with a cover up by showing humour and positive smiles and laughter. No! Not at all! That is them! That’s still them being themselves. They wish what they were going through wasn’t happening. But they don’t want to burden others with their problems, and as I said before, they are more than likely ashamed.
Look for the signs! Please…take the time to listen when you can sense something is not right with those around you. Take them out for coffee, one-on-one. Go for a walk. Do something productive together (painting the fence? gardening? cleaning the house?) Eventually, they will open up when you’re showing genuine interest of their welfare.
I composed this song to help remind myself that better days are coming and to just hold on. I hope this pleas with you to hold on too!
You can learn more of depression and what you can do to help from these sites below:
OR call Lifeline on 13 11 14 (http://www.lifeline.org.au) They have a great online chat option too!
I woke up today, just like I do every other day, with the thought “Nooo!…more sleeeepp…shhhh alarm clock..shhhh…”
But it pricks my heart knowing that I do this every morning, rather than thanking God I woke up and thanking Him for my bed, food, and the sun, and everything in my life that I get to experience.
Thursday evening I was at the gym, and between sets I checked my Facebook. One of my gym mates had written a post earlier that day along the lines of being thankful of your loved ones and cherishing every moment with them. And the reason he wrote it is because a young boy (almost 2 years-old) of his friend’s had passed away throughout the night. They put him to bed as normal Wednesday night…but he did not wake up Thursday morning.
Every now again, we are reminded of how…tomorrow is not promised.
A brother gets in a car accident, a mother has cancer, a friend commits suicide, a toddler drinks/eats something poisonous, a pet is bitten by a deadly snake, a grandparent passes away from old age, a schoolmate gets in a fight…souls we all love, souls that have touched us in some way, souls that are here today…but might not be there tomorrow.
We get so caught up in this concept of “life” with work/uni, looking forward to the weekends, when and where is the next party, whats going to happen tomorrow etc. just so caught up that we think that tomorrow is promised. But then something happens…and our minds are fixated once again on the concept of “death”. Just like that life that ceased…so do our everyday-thoughts. We have a split-second shock and soon realize that person no longer will exist in our everyday life. We struggle with the thought of them not being there.
And then we start thinking…What would happen if I was the one taken from this place. How would my loved ones cope? But we can’t comprehend our life ending. We can’t comprehend that moment when we no longer will exist in this world.
Life is short.
Most people say I’m not experiencing the fullness of life because I don’t drink and get drunk, and I’m not “scoring” with some hot chick. And you have those people that start telling me what I should and shouldn’t have in my life and tell me what’s best for me with the latest gadgets and the type of fitness I should do (that doesn’t actually parallel with my goals). And really, I don’t care about those things. Yes I am materialistic with some things…but they are not the most important to me.
I want to say to my friends and family, and hear from them, the words “I love you…(even though you’re not perfect)”. I want to surround myself and spend time with the people I connect with most, with the people that inspire me, with the people that make me a better person and push me to be the best that I can be as a human. And I want to be that beneficial person in their lives and not be someone that is a negative impact. I want to embrace those that make me smile. (I give free hugs!)
I want to be here tomorrow. I want to experience life. I want to connect with people and hear their story. Of course I won’t get along with everyone and I won’t enjoy some parts of my life…but that’s how you get to experience life! Through the ups and downs of it all…you are experiencing…life. That’s..what is important to me.
Look up Koa Chase Johnston Support Fund on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Koa-Chase-Johnston-Support-Fund/460532647423988) and please support them if you can. I did not know this boy personally and I don’t know his family personally. And there are so many out there that are experiencing the same tragedy. But you don’t need to know someone to support and pray for their loved ones. We are all in this together. We are all experiencing these concepts of “life” and “death”. Be moved with compassion when you see someone hurting. Help them out in any way possible.
John 13:34-35 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”
You’ll often here me scream this out at someone or something when I get excited! Similarly I will say “I just want to marry them!” or “You are now my thirty-something spouse!”
Most people look at me awkwardly and a bit worriedly. My friends that are around me the most are used to it though. I’m not completely sure if they understand why I say it…or they just think “oh, that’s just Daniel.”
But here is why I say it:
Whenever I notice/recognize an attribute/characteristic that I love…I automatically scream out “Marry me!” or “I want to marry it/them!” It’s really not the person or the object that I physically want to marry…but the actual attribute or message inside the person/object.
Sandra Bullock – This lady…is what started it all! She was the first person I decided to marry! As much as I love her acting, I love her for her appreciation and thankfulness to the people she works with! This is my main reason I want to “marry her”. My mother read an article where Sandra Bullock gives a gift to everyone she works with after she has done a role for a movie. She would spend her time, her money, and her energy to do something for the people she worked with to say “thank you for being a part of the team and helping me perform to my best for this project.” Her thoughtfulness for the people she works with makes me want to do the same thing. I want to BLESS those that bless me. If you are working with me, you are blessing me by being on my team and helping me out just as I hope I’m helping you out. Because of Sandra Bullock’s action of showing thanks by giving a gift, I want to do the same!
Vin Diesel – If you ever get to hear his story of how he got in the film industry, you will be blessed! This man’s dedication and motivation inspires me quite a bit! Not to mention his deep voice!
Paul Walker – I never knew he had started up his own campaign called Reach Out Worldwide (ROWW https://www.roww.org/). Giving back to the community has always been a part of me. Paul Walker is a great example of his generosity to help those in need. I’m touched because he made time to help those who are suffering, he started something so everyone and anyone that had the time/money/skills can help out those who were disadvantaged or were affected by natural disasters.
Ellie Goulding – her amazing voice and lyrical magic in all her songs make me want to just sit and stare at her all day…everyday…while she just teaches me all she knows and just sings for me. The voice of an angel. And that accent…dayum!! Haha
Tavi Castro and Johnny Starr – both fitness freaks that I admire for their hard work, dedication, and reaching their goals and dreams at a young age. I wish to have physiques like these one day…but what inspires me the most is their ambitions and their gumption to and helping others do the same.
007 and Assassins creed characters, Lara Croft, Spiderman…their stamina, agility, and stealth makes me want to train harder, be more aware of my surroundings, and be prepared for when physical exhausting unexpected situations occur. (Weird…I know…some say I’m paranoid…but I just like to be prepared for the unexpected!) ;]
Close friends – when I have a close friend who doesn’t mind about my craziness or my flaws and loves me for me…I just want to hold them close for as long as I can! Because it is very hard to come by friends like these. Acceptance is a BIG thing I want in my marriage. Of course there will be disagreements…but you can have that while also giving acceptance and respect.
But the biggest being I want to marry is…
God…coming down to earth as a sacrifice…giving up his life, so that we may gain life in eternity with Him. If that’s not true love…I don’t know what is. Even though I fully can not grasp the concept because my mind can not comprehend it all…I do understand that if someone, that is immortal, steps out of immortality, into our world, to guide us back on the right track and sacrifice their life to save mine…(which they didn’t have to because they did nothing wrong and I didn’t deserve to be saved) …THAT…is LOVE. That…is compassion.
I realize I’m pointing out icons with a celebrity status, but there are local heroes and people who aren’t noticed that have all these attributes.
Here is a small example of what I mean: One of my friends posted on Facebook recently that he took his friend home after a big night, put him to bed…but his friend puked up all over himself and all over his bed. So my friend cleaned up the vomit and cleaned up his friend. When I read the post, I was moved. I just kept thinking “That’s love, that’s brotherly love. Looking out for your friends is what we need of more in this world!…Marry me!”
Now I know there are many people out there that have these attributes/characteristics…but as I said before, it’s the attributes/characteristics I want to marry, not the actual person. (But I still have an urge to give them a hug!)
It’s, really, a drastic and over exaggerated way of me expressing myself quickly and effectively to organize my brain. I’m putting their character attributes in the “THE ATTRIBUTES I LOVE AND WANT TO HAVE IN MY LIFE FOREVER!” section of my brain. I don’t care how others interpret it when I say “marry me” or “I want to marry him/her”. To me, all that matters is how I interpret it.
These are only a FEW of the amazing people I want to make as my spouse! So if I say something like this to you:
“marry me! i want to be intoxicated with your motivation, ambitions, your drive, your attitude towards life”
please don’t be scared, or worried…or get a restricting order against me. All I’m really saying is “You inspire me, and I wish you could stay in my life forever!”
Phillipians 4:8 “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”
Sorry this was a long one! =D
So this is my first post! And I’ve never done this before! So this is a new and exciting adventure for me! I do apologize for any spelling/grammar errors…I tend to type fast and can miss a few mistakes!
But this first post will be short and sweet.
First off, I want to say that my posts are going to be, hopefully, encouraging tales and small “epiphanies” (if I can call them that) that I randomly have when in deep thought. And to get an idea of what I’m talking about…below is a glimpse and a first touch base of what I think about! Haha.
I wrote this on my phone while on the train to Sydney the other day.
On the train listening to “Say Something” – A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera.
I know this song is meant to say that you’re frustrated at someone else and close to giving up on them…and that’s how I feel about some people that I try my hardest to sustain the friendship but they don’t put any effort in the relationship to make it rich and beneficial…but I still love them and want to help them be the best that they can be…
But does anyone feel that they can sing this song to themselves?
When I hear this song, I can visualise myself staring in the mirror and seeing my reflection just screaming at me for not being “brave” to say what I feel and not performing to the best that I could, for not pushing my self-centeredness aside and staying idle when I should be out there making a difference, when I should be tending to those who actually need help and need support. I’m more disappointed in myself than my friends who hold me at arms length.
I’m so frustrated at myself for not saying enough, that I feel like giving up on myself, letting myself go…but I still love and respect myself too much to actually give up on myself. Even though sometimes it feels like no one believes in you, you just gotta hang in there and not give up…because it does get better!
*Faith kicks in*…Jesus gave up His life so that we could have the chance to redeem ourselves when we trip up and make a shame of ourselves. Because of His selfless act of love, we are able to pick ourselves up from the mud and mess that we’ve made. It’s by His grace that I am here today, still breathing, still awake, still loving with every heartbeat.
Yes, it hurts when those particular friends, that you’ve shown your support to, don’t put effort in to show their support for you. But it hurts you more when you don’t support and believe in yourself. Even when they don’t show interest in you at all, still support and love them…when you do this, you’re proving to yourself how strong you can be…that’s what seperates a candle from the sun.
Sometimes you can love and shine so bright that they block you from their eyes because you’re too bright. But without you, they wouldn’t be able to function properly. Just keep praying for them and loving them. Support and believe in them until they reach their goals. Give them grace even though others say, and you think, they don’t deserve it. Just as God gives you grace when you don’t deserve it.
(Just some scriptures that come to mind)
Romans 15:2-3 NLT
We should help others do what is right and build them up in the Lord.
For even Christ didn’t live to please himself. As the Scriptures say, “The insults of those who insult you, O God, have fallen on me.”
Philippians 2:3-4 NLT
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.
Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.